You know, we live in ever-more enlightened times. Many euphemisms for nymphomania that were once regarded as derogatory can practically be considered compliments these days.

Tart is mainsteam and accepted, Slut has an edge to it and sounds kinda cool, and I can cope with yo dirty bitch ho without fear of people assuming that I work for a guy called Leroy who wears his own bodyweight in gold jewellry.

But, trust me on this one, no woman alive, no matter how sex-positive and liberated, and no matter how strong her self-image, wants to be called a... I'm sorry, I can hardly bring myself to say it... a slapper!

Aargh! Horrible, horrible word. Taxi for Linda Green.

Roll Model

In fact, TVs latest roll model (sic) of supposed female empowerment highlights perfectly the difference in connotations carried with these terms.

If Joanna Lumley, just for example darling, were to portray a sexually voracious, nay cock-hungry (or pussy-hungry, I'm not homo-lesbo-phobic) vamp, she would never be a 'slapper'. Bitch, slut, whore, yes, but slapper, I don't think so.

Linda Green Fat + 37 + Northern x Sex = Slapper

However, Liza Tarbuck and her character have three unavoidable qualities, in that they are: a) Northern. b) Fat. and c) Over 35.

Tick more than one box, and vamp becomes tramp. It's slapper territory, and there's no escape. Less good-enough-to-eat, and more all-you-can-eat.

Young, willowy well-spoken types can surrender their bodies and minds to whatever lifestyle pleasures they see fit, in my case an unhealthy aubergine habit, and will never be branded the s-word. It's the same with men - a dirty old man isn't considered a pervert if he's young and clean and concealing his erection within 501s rather than a brown overcoat.

Now to be honest, I couldn't see The Lovely® Kate Winslet or Page 3 Stunna™ Jordan playing Linda Green. And indeed, the thought of Liza Tarbuck as 'Lolita' leaves me with permenent psychological scars.


Doesn't this kinda prove that biologically there is a difference between us young, positive liberated girls, and the sort of dirty filthy slappers who can somehow manage to simultaneously combine the dual pleasures of fellatio AND a large doner kebab.

But ask a BBC writer or producer 'Why did you choose to make Linda Green such a slapper' and you'll no doubt be told, 'actually I feel she's a very strong character and a positive role model to women everywhere that you shouldn't feel guilty about enjoying sex'. Yeah right, and I'll have Chilli sauce with that. She's a slapper.

Plenty of blokes like slapperish women (or those who frequent kebab houses seem to, at any rate), there's nothing wrong with that, but enough with the coquettish glances and suggestive whisperings, please. They just don't go with bob cut and the bodyweight.

No doubt I've strayed off-side here, and my enlightened sisters are up in arms, perhaps with good cause. But I think I'm right. And ain't it an irony that so many of the complaints about sexist portrayal of heterosexual women come from carpet-munchers anyway. Like they'd know.

You go, girls, burn your Wonderbras, just mind you don't singe your chest hairs. And when our next generation of 'positve steretypes' brings Doc Martins and Buzz Cuts to BBC dramas, we'll all look back on Linda Green and think 'what a sexy and sophisticated character. It all went downhill with series two when Jo Brand co-starred, didn't it?'

Kimberly Bridge looks fantastic in pyjamas