Harsh Mistress

The music industry can be a harsh mistress.

One minute you're at Number 1 and your album has just gone platinum. (Admittedly, I've ever really been sure what "going platinum" actually means but it's a good thing, right?)

Next thing you know, you're about as cool as polo-necks and your name is only ever mentioned when somebody attempts to procure a cheap laugh for an obscure reference - Tiffany and Brother Beyond, I'm talking to you.

Now, I can't sing or write music and I can't play any instruments - with the exception of the triangle, which I once played masterfully in a school play - but I do have a gift to give to the music industry:

A solution to the age-old problem of declining popularity. It's quite a simple one really, but therein lies the genius, I suppose.

The solution: Death.

Radical

The Late Richey Manic: Dead

It's a radical suggestion admittedly, but the evidence speaks for itself:

Kurt Cobain, Richey Edwards and most recently, Jon Lee all boosted record sales of Nirvana, the Manic Street Preachers and Feeder respectively, by selflessly offering their lives in the name of eternal cult status and hero-worship.

Oh, and don't anybody bother writing in to point out that Richey Edwards isn't officially dead. He's been missing for a long time and that's good enough for me.

But I digress. The whole policy is absolutely fool-proof and if it ever catches on, the Top 40 may need to be expanded. Yeah, I realise that you're potentially losing a friend or talented musician from your band but what you lose on the swings, you gain on the roundabout.

Lose a friend... sell three million extra albums. Seems like a fair deal to me, and one which I would recommend to bands everywhere.

Rope

Particularly Oasis, who've been shite even since "What's the Story...". Now, I'm not saying it has to be Liam or Noel who has to depart their earthly plains - It could just as easily be one of the ones that nobody cares about - but the point is that one of them needs to learn how to use a revolver. Or a knife. Or even a rope.

In fact, the more gruesome, the better. A Hannibal-esque killing could even see sales of "Standing on the Shoulder of the Giants" picking up.

Of course, if a band is in a particularly bad slump, it may be that more than one band member will need to be sacrificed. The Spice Girls, for example, would probably need a minor cull to get back on track, but if they've got the desire and determination, they'll realise that all artists need to suffer for their art.

You hear me Mel B and Emma Bunton? If you care about your art, you'll top yourselves right now.

And any declining acts, such as Blur, Cast, Garbage and Nelly Furtado that don't consider self-sacriface are simply not serious about maintaining their popularity.

What's that you say? There's only one of Nelly Furtado?

And your point is?