Big Girl's Blouse

Killalot: Big girl's blouse or well-oiled fighting machine. You decide.

Among the everyday ground-breaking political scoops, this reporter has uncovered discontent at the heart of that stalwart of BBC Choice, Robot Wars! It appears that rumours have turned into fact: Sir Killalot has grown tired of the show and is looking for a total career change.

It's a move that will shock many a 13-year-old, but in an exclusive interview, I can reveal that Britain's first robot to be awarded a knighthood is 'tired of the killing, tired of the smashing, tired of the bashing and especially, tired of the crashing'.

Body Blow

Ratings have been on an upward curve recently and this revelation will come as a body blow to TV producers, under the impression that everything is rosy in the world of Killalot.

Killalot: Deadly

Initial problems can be tracked back to the request by Killalot to do the final phrase of one show. The rhyming soundbite, usually delivered by Craig Charles, is much loved by the 8 to 14 demographic, and un-named sources claimed that Killalot's inability to do the hand gesture that has become a trade mark of Mr. Charles would water down the whole post-industrialist, neo urbanite, quasi-geek feel of the programme leaving a shallow husk of a show, only suitable for adolescents and their acne.

Swiftly following this was a write up by the disgruntled Jeremy Clarkson, claiming that Killalot had the acceleration of a Skoda, the handling of an Robin Reliant, no in-car DVD, the warranty was long since expired and the clock had been turned back a number of times, whereas Sgt. Bash was a spring chicken with leather interior and an on-board global navigation system.

These set backs had an immediate effect: a less-than-motivated Killalot was accused in the national press of complacent and lacklustre performances leading to two robots escaping the jaws of 'The Pit' and a third robot being placed incorrectly on the thing that throws dead robots through the air (known to fans of the show as The Flipper.

The resulting wonky throw hit a fellow robot at high velocity, causing Matilda to require a lengthy lay off with a tweaked wheel ligament and also a rift between the two workmates.

Aftermath

The effects of the aftermath are still reverberating around the RW set: Matilda was thus accused of the writing on the crew bathroom wall claiming that Killalot was directly related to Dusty Bin and that he had been having an illicite affair with a Moulinex.

Fractures continued to appear as Sgt. Bash was seen backstage squaring up to Killalot, there were quite literally sparks flying as metal on metal action occurred. These clips can be seen on the upcoming video and DVD: Robot Wars - After The Slaughter Shed.

This appears to be the final straw for Killalot as soon after these incidents this reporter was contacted by his agent, with the promise of an exclusive. In a brief but heart-warming interview Killalot comes clean about his disillusionment, and reveals that he has decided upon a new career. In hairdressing.

Hair by Killalot: Deadlier

Suitable Premises

'I've been investigating the possibility for some time, and located some suitable premises in Camden' he says with feeling, 'I feel the idea has legs - or in my case, wheels'.

He has explored the addition of a hair dryer and clippers to his armoury which are available from robocoifures.com and it will keep him under the weight limit specified for bus lane traffic, which will mean his commute will be quick and easy from his Finsbury Park bungalow.

But wherefrom came the inspiration for such an unlikely career move? He reveals that watching the contestants was his primary motivation: 'So many of these greaseballs have no clue about hair care, they all have pony tails, beards and deserve the full Killalot treatment'.

Further along the line, he harbours dreams of expanding from just the buffon industry to full aromatherapy due to the emissions from backstage during the recording of most episodes.

However this scribe believes that, all things considered, he has slightly misunderstood the meaning of aromatherapy.