An Ancient and Noble Tradition

The disarray facing the music industry was further compounded today when a scandal erupted in a musical hotbed in the north of Finland. An ancient and noble tradition dating back generations... No, sorry, a noble tradition dating back several years... No, sorry, an activity dating back a couple of years has come under scrutiny that it would rather avoid.

The Air Guitar World Championships (yes! they really exist) recently got underway and this year's contest has attracted unsurpassed levels of popularity, not to mention a glittering array of performers.

Media coverage has been intense; all the major players in the Finnish news business were there plus international journalists in their dozens and a Norwegian radio station dedicated a whole week to the extravaganza, giving interviews, backstage incites and of course the all important performances.

Air Souls

Unsatisfied

Still thousands of air instrumental enthusiasts, unsatisfied with the radio coverage and not swayed by a very clever and targeted marketing campaign, actually attended the event. This reporter was proud to be there... Damn! No, sorry, this reporter was paid to be there, and can honestly admit that, the combination of hair spray and acne was truly... umm... different.

Since its inception the event (or 'gig' as those in the know call it) has expanded from a few rockers prancing on stage with long hair and no guitar to an outdoor extravaganza encompassing the wider musical world.

In the second year of the Championships the unexpected addition to Oli Olgatissason's rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody of his brother on the Air Drums was heralded as an act of genius, and although the pair won the overall trophy that year, they were subsequently stripped of the title in what is now being called the OliUli ruling.

But rather than detract from the popularity of this event though, this setback would appear to have bolstered it, and the very next year the Air Band event was added to the championships.

This year saw many new disciplines to the championship: There was an air violin section, an air quartet and also an air opera. A full air orchestra category is under consideration for next year's event, although the controversial debate over whether they can include air conductors looks set to rage on.

Mystery

Air roadies became quite the trend as free back stage passes were given to them, so long as they took part in the air sound checks. The Air karaoke tent had an - ahem - air of mystery as this journalist was so mesmerized by the main stage that he did not venture in, so cannot comment on how it works or what one does during air karaoke.

Real guitar: controversial

And so it was, at the culmination of two tiring weeks, that the judges crowned Icelandic Champion Tofting Hidgurdasson the Air Guitar World Champion 2002. Immediately a furore broke out, photos were leaked, column inches were filled as it came to light that Tofting actually knew how to play the real guitar.

The other competitors were quick to complain, claiming that actually having musical ability gave him an unfair advantage. It was likened to steroids in sport as whereas those competitors without musical talent could only practice by jumping around their bedrooms waving their arms in the air, Tofting could actually practice with a guitar.

Tofting hit back, going to the press, 'I can categorically assert that I have no musical ability whatsoever, one might say that my lack of musical knowledge puts me on par with your average rap band. I've said it time and time again, I have no talent, lets hope this closes the matter.'

Twats

But the pictures kept being leaked and the evidence grew that as a teenager Tofting was lead guitarist of a band in his home in Reykjavik. Eventually Tofting resigned as world champion and in a fit of pique, he barbed 'It's a silly activity anyway, its just greasy haired rockers making twats of themselves.' And you can't argue with that well reasoned argument.

To head off scandals such as this in the future, vigorous checks have been put in place. The strictest of these is the 'P' test, that uses the theory that at a party if there is a guitar lying around, someone who can even just play only one tune will not be able to resist picking it up for an impromptu 'jam'.

In the days preceding the Championships, all competitors are invited to a party with hundreds of guitars lying around. The organizers also leave pots, pans and general stuff to hit lying around as those air drummers will be unable to resist hitting them to join in the 'jam'.

This reporter hopes that these actions will restore some level of respectability to this most Norse of activities but I also can't shake the insightful words of Tofting:

Greasy rockers making twats of themselves.