Worth Every Penny

It's always the same, isn't it? The press report some story, I find a modicum of humour in it and then make a couple of mildly witty observations on it. It's worth every penny of the massive contract the Bad News corporation pays me every month but it's entirely reactionary. I've been feeling for some time now that I'd like to be the one reporting the big news stories for once.

And I've finally got that opportunity.

Keep it to yourselves but for the first time in my life, I've stumbled across an exclusive story that the press has yet to get wind of. One that'll shock everyone from Hollywood to... well, some other place that ends with 'wood'. Fill it in yourself - you know how these things work.

You won't find this in your newspapers and you certainly won't find it on those crappy Showbiz pages on Teletext but I assure you that every word is true.

Headline

Ryan: Actor

I've even got a great headline: The Ryan Game. (It was either that or 'Stop your Ryan' and I stand by my choice.)

Yes, in a story that's set to shock the world, I have it on the highest authority that, in her next movie role, Hollywood superstar, Meg Ryan will be playing a single woman in her late 30s, who finally finds love with a single white man from a similar age group.

It's an absolute blockbuster in the making and is sure to send the movie business into a spin.

Now, it's not quite as simple as it sounds. For a time, Meg's character and the lead male character aren't going to get on and there's going to be some bickering between the pair. Eventually, however, love prevails and they kiss just before the end credits, which, incidentally, look set to be accompanied by an identical remake of a sappy ballad.

I don't yet have any concrete details on who will play the male love interest but I know for a fact that as well as being romantic, the film will contain some vaguely humourous moments that few heterosexual men will appreciate. Women, however, will find them hilarious and touching.

Risky

In an incredibly brave move, makers are going to push this film as being both 'romantic' and a 'comedy', or a 'romantic comedy', if you will. It's a bold move for Ryan, who is already a big name in Hollywood and has no need to move in such a risky new direction.

My source tells me, however, that 'Meg's tired of playing interesting and completely diverse characters every time she makes a movie. She wants to settle down in one genre and quit being known as this incredible actress who can play absolutely any role. It's proving a real millstone around her neck. By agreeing to do this romantic comedy, she's ensuring that she's not going to be typecast and that's very important to her.'

I'm sure we all join in wishing Meg the very best of luck in her new venture. Whether it proves successful or not, at least she's going to prove she's no one-trick pony and for that, she deserves immense credit.