Making fun of the mentally ill

I enjoy doing good. Making generous charity donations, doing voluntary work for the church etc. - it's all so very rewarding. But the thing I love doing most of all is making fun of the mentally ill.

After all, everyone likes a laugh, and there's nothing more funny than ridiculing, embarassing or abusing someone with a mental handicap. And the best thing is that being mentalists, they're too stupid to notice, so no-one gets hurt.

OK, so the world has given us a few dangerously intelligent psychopaths who normally turn out to be serial killers. Jeffrey Dahmer, Hannibal Lecter, Myra Hindley, Margaret Thatcher. No-one can deny that these people are serious headcases.

Dahmer: Dining companion

But the vast majority of institutionalised people are just simple, clumsy, harmless spastics, who are more likely to amuse, and after a while annoy, than kill. You've seen the people with the stupid gormless stare, and the shaking hands. They couldn't even hold a filleting knife, let alone perform a full dismemberment.

Taking Off

I love watching those people who keep on taking off their clothing. The guy who wears no shoes and masturbates frenziedly in the shopping centre. No social skills whatsover - he just doesn't care, and therein lies the hilarity.

I like to observe from a distance, mind. There's nothing funnier than watching some spasticated oaf in a wheelchair, struggling to eat a banana, and dribbling all over his clothes. Probably pissing and shitting his nappy at the same time. But you don't want to get so close that you might come in contact with it. No way.

A lot of people with mental illnesses are very loving, very tactile, they find it easier to communicate through physical feeling.

Which is horrible, because the last thing I want is some spastic touching me up. Ugh! Watching from a distance is definitely best.

Spastic

Mental Illness is at its funniest when it affects children, and whenever I see an autistic child in public, I point and laugh, and make sure I tell everyone to gather round so they can share in the spastic spectacle.

Quite often this disturbs the child - they are too stupid too understand, bless 'em - and they start to run around, if they can, making noises and crying. I tell you, the show just gets better and better. There's no sight more precious than a distressed child suffering from Down's Syndrome.

OK, I know what you're thinking. Maybe I could be involved in an accident, and become all spastic one day.

And I'd be all like 'Nnnlh!! Mmnlnh!! My names Kim! Nnnlh! I have special needs! Mmnlnh!! I live in a home Nnnlh!!!'

So what's the catch? I'd never be stumped for new material ever again.