An accident that wasn't your fault

Have you been injured at work or at home in the last five years? Have you required medical treatment for an accident that wasn't your fault?

If so, call one of those personal injury compensation claims companies that do those really crappy, low-budget ads.

Scam

If not, you're in luck, for I, Dr. Mike, am going to help you scam free money in a completely different way, and all you have to do is follow these step-by-step instructions:

Uncle Roger: Jovial

1. Acquire a camcorder

   And when I say 'acquire', I don't mean 'purchase'. That will only eat into your profits. Instead, approach your most jovial uncle - it's a little-known fact that all jovial uncles own camcorders. My Uncle Roger, for example, has one and only uses it on special occasions, such as weddings, Christmas dinner and occasions when I'm showering at his house.

   (And yes, I know that may seem a little strange to some of you, but he just loves Christmas.)

2. Figure out how to work the camcorder. Don't spend too much time on this; Just learn how to operate it well enough to capture the action but not so well that you can film without it looking incredibly amateurish and haphazard.
3. Enlist the help of a family member or an animal.

4. Using the camcorder and the family member and/or animal, film any of the following sequences:

   1. An adult falling over.
   2. A child getting hit in the head with a football and then falling over.
   3. An animal falling over.
   4. A semi-drunken woman attempting to dance at a wedding reception before falling over.
   5. Someone falling off a bicycle.
   6. A cricket ball connecting with the testicles of a male above the age of 12 at significant speed. (The aforementioned male then falls over.)
   7. A person or animal falling into water.
   8. A person or animal attempting to walk on snow or ice (or any slippery surface, really) before falling over.
   9. An old person falling over. (Make sure that the sound of their hip breaking is inaudible as it's important to look as though nobody gets hurt. In fact, try to convince the elderly victim to smile wryly at the camera, regardless of the amount of pain he/she may be in.)
   10. Have someone collide with you so that you, as cameraman, fall over.

   I could go on, but the point I'm essentially making is that 'falling over' is the key activity here.

5. Send the resulting tape to the following addresses:

   Kirsty's Home Videos,
   BskyB,
   PO Box 353,
   Isleworth,
   TW7 5UF

   Lisa Riley
   FREEPOST You've Been Framed!
   ITV Network Centre
   200 Gray's Inn Road
   London
   WC1X 8HF

Clip

And that's it. Kirsty will give you £150 for every clip and Lisa will give you £250.

The best part is that you won't just have earned some easy cash - you'll have produced some truly great comedy. And all without having to fall off a ladder at work.

(Come to think of it, that can be 4.xi - but you get the point.)