Imperfect Teeth

What is it about imperfect teeth that men find so attractive?

C'mon guys, for years and years, we've been told about the importance of the 'perfect smile' and orthodentists have made a fortune from filling our mouths with wire and putty (and God knows what else while we're under general anaesthetic) and putting us through pain.

Madonna: Gap

And for what? So Big Brother Kate, Madonna and that bitch who can't act from Dream Team who seems to be on every fucking programme these days can remain goofy, and become the most prized sex-symbols in the world?

Fetishes

Not only is there a market for sabre-toothed models and actresses, there are actually recognised fetishes for guys who like girls with fucked-up gnashers, or wearing braces. It's true, they've got websites for it, and everything!

Yeah, Madonna can drone on about how beauty is down to physical symmetry, but so what. She has one big gap in the centre of her mouth - that can't not be symmetrical, can it?

There's actually room in there to fit an entire false tooth - and not a pointy little incisor, but one of the big fuckers from the back of your mouth.

Last Album

Now I choose to pick on Madge especially, because I thought her last album sucked (noisily through a straw), but when you actually stop to look, the number of 'beautiful' celebs with mouths like industrial pulping machinery is really quite alarming.

Kate Winslet's jagged, nevous smile always makes her look like she's about to sink her teeth into something she really doesn't want (what does that say about Ken Brannagh or Leonardio Di Caprio?) while Cherie Blair seems to have acquired that extra molar that Madonna is missing, along with every tooth that Tom Baker, Farrah Fawcett and Heather Small out of M-People have ever lost.

Now if I was a guy - and I'm glad I'm not - I'd reconsider any fantasies I had about getting sucked off by Kate from Big Brother or Madonna.

It's not worth it, lads. You will get hurt.