Stuff I don't understand

There's a lot of stuff I don't understand.

Why aunts always feel the need to tell you how much you've grown, cheesemaking, menstruation, plotlines in 80% of films I watch, why they changed the format of 'Countdown', that rule about always having to be naked in the Bad News UK office, to name just a few.

Nick Heyward: Haircut 100

But more than anything, the one thing I know I'll never really understand is how to confidently stroll into a barber shop or unisex hair salon, and accurately request a haircut.

No Idea

I mean, I know exactly what I want, but I have no idea how to go about asking for it, and that's what makes the process so infuriating.

I may go in with all these great plans for what I want done but I don't even come close to articulating it: 'Number three around the lower back and sides; Take a bit off the upper back and sides but not so much that I can't spike it, shorten the top a little and push it up at the front' invariably comes out as 'Erm, just tidy it up a bit, please... Yeah, it is getting a bit cold out...'

I could probably handle it if everybody else had the same problem but no, they always seem to get exactly what they want. The last time I got my hair cut, there was a lad in front of me, who couldn't have been any older than 12, and he asked for a 'French Crop.'

So, what the hell is a French Crop? And how come he knows what it is and I don't? Was I sick that day in school when haircuts and haircut titles were taught? Is there a book that I can buy that has pictures of different haircuts, with all the names underneath?

Photograph

I recently spoke about this matter to a friend of my sisters, who conveniently happens to be a hairdresser, and you know what she suggested? Bring a photograph next time you're getting a haircut.

Not just any photograph, of course. That'd be stupid. Bring a photograph of someone with the haircut you want. Well, I considered this to be the worst and most stupid piece of advice I had ever received, at least since that time I acted upon that advertisment by the Dundee tourist board, but no, she insisted that hairdressers will always appreciate someone bringing a photograph.

And so, I'm faced with a dilemma: Do I follow this advice, dig out an old photo of Pat Sharpe, get a haircut I don't resent for the next month and risk looking like a bit of a twat for a couple of minutes? Or do I continue being miserable and just accept my eternal torment, never risking public humiliation?

Yeah, 'Just tidy it up a bit' will do fine.