Andre The Giant
As a professional wrestler, Andre's devotion from his fans may well have made him feel ten foot tall - because he was - quite literally! Dead since 1993, the massive Frenchman is now World Champion of the afterlife. We caught up with him and found out what he's been up to since collapsing of a heart attack at the age of 46.
What was the biggest achivement of your earthly career, and have you achieved anything bigger since your untimely death?
Andre The Giant
Well you know, people will talk about my World Title Belts and my victorious performances, and my entertaining millions of fans, but they never saw the either side of it, you know. I was treated like a freak. In a freak show. And the wrestling promoters were the promoters... of that freak show.
My biggest achievement was the time I had a £100 bet with Hulk Hogan that I could eat a whole horse in one go. And you know, I lost the bet, but I got him back by sleeping with his wife.
After I died, everyone was like 'Oh wow, it's Andre the Giant' and it was the first time in about 20 years that I'd had to communicate with people, like dead people you know, without a manager to answer my questions for me. My secret shame: I'd only ever learned about ten words of English in my life.
But you know I overcame that fear, and learned to talk for myself again, I'm much more articulate now and that for me has been the real achievement of the afterlife. And giving the Ayatollah Khomeini a boot to the face. Heh, that showed him.
Do you find that physical form is less important now?
Hell yeah, that one took me by surprise you know. It's like 'you're Andre, you're 7'4", you weigh 500 pounds, whatever', and up here it really doesn't matter. I could be a midget if I wanted to be. And they don't have to make special doors for me up here. (laughs)
But yeah, I guess it's not as important, but people still remember me for being the giant, so I have a duty to live up to that role. And my size 21s sure did come in handy when I gave the Ayatollah that boot to the face, oh yeah.
What's the wrestling scene like up in Heaven?
It's pretty cool, pretty varied you know. We have the Eternal SuperCards where wrestlers from different eras of wrestling history go head-to-head. Buddy Rogers and Gorgeous George vs Kerry Von Erich and Owen Hart, that sort of thing.
And there's the occasional co-promotion with all the evil wrestlers from Hell, they are always cool. Gorilla Monsoon's over there, you know. But I tend to stay away from the squared circle, it's not like I'm short of other things to do up here, you know. Ha, short! (laughs)
Have you developed a closer relationship with God, Jesus, and St. Peter?
Well I was brought up Catholic, you know, and I sure was relieved to see that our religion got it pretty much right. God and Jesus and all, they might have an infinite amount of time, but there are an infinite number of souls who want to spend time with them, and I'm not that religious really, so I tend to do my own thing.
But I do appreciate that I wouldn't be here without God, so maybe one day I'll sit down and have a talk with her, if she's got time.
I'll tell you who is cool though. The Holy Spirit. That guy has been a revelation to me. You know when the Hulkster used to tell all the little Hulkamaniacs to say their prayers every day, to the big dude upstairs? That's what the spirit is all about. He certainly lived in me that time when I gave Khomeini the boot to the face.
Would you come back to earth again? And would you live your life any differently, now that you are empowered with superior insight?
- Yeah, right square in the face... Oh right. Hmm... I think if I did come back down I would do something less repetitive than wrestling. There's only so much you can do in the ring when you're my size. Look at all the competitors out there nowadays, and you realise that I just couldn't compete with them.
I'm up for reincarnation in 2035, probably in one of the Chinese Colonies in the former Americas, and I'll probably take advantage of it. I'd really like to be a LAN administrator, or a Unix developer, you know. But whatever my choice of career, I wouldn't want to be managed by Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan again. No sir.
