Our son is thick

My husband and I wanted to give our only son the best start in life, so we sent him to the finest fee-paying school in the country. After a few months we were told that he would benefit from a less intellectually demanding environment, so we reluctantly agreed for him to attend an everyday grammar school instead. He failed their entrance examination four times, and to our horror the local education authority suggested he would 'fit in' better at our local state comprehensive!

He has been rapidly demoted from the upper stream to the middle, and then the lower stream, and now we are being told that should be moved again to a centre for children with special needs.

What have we done wrong? Our household income is over £300,000 per annum.

Dr. Mike Cunningham: There's not a doubt in my mind. Your son is on drugs.

And I'm not talking about the occasional joint behind the bouncy castle, or even a harmless line of white gold off the building blocks. No, your son is getting down and dirty the intravenous way - check his arms if you like, and I guarantee that his once plump, juicy veins are now ravaged, unsightly streaks of heroin.

He's a shadow of his former intellectual self, because his only thoughts are from where he's going to get his next hit. His exam results may not be particularly inspiring but, trust me on this one, he's in a Class A of his own.

Ben Nunn: Technology is advancing every day, and you'll be pleased to hear that you can now buy your son a new brain - and your high disposable income means that you should be able to afford a high-spec model, rather than the standard £4,995 'foolish oaf' model featured in this Summer's Argos catologue.

Fenwicks offer a very nice 'upper middle-class socialite model' with an IQ of 120 for just under £30,000. This should be adequate for your son, and you will notice the improvement almost immediately.

One other word of advice: I'd pay the extra to have the surgery performed by medical professionals. It can be tempting to save money and do the job yourself, but early results have not been successful.

Kimberly Bridge: The education system sucks, and there's no guarantee that 'teaching' makes anyone any cleverer than they were biologically determined to be.

I appreciate that your sons stupidity may prove embarassing to you and your husband, and while it will hold him back in later life, it needn't stop you reaching your own ambitious goals - just look at Margaret and Dennis Thatcher for example.