Henry VIII
"He ruled the land with might and girth, his subjects lived in joyous mirth"
Henry VIII was undoubtedly our Nation's finest ever King - without him there would be no divorce lawyers, no 'Greensleeves', and a lot more Catholics - but just what has the Papacy Destroyer been up to in the 300 years since his death in 1547? We caught up with the larger-than-life Tudor Monarch to find out...
You've been dead for a long while now, has much changed in that time?
Henry VII
Fie! I mean, not at all, not at all. Time doesn't exist on the same frequency up here, so a century can pass in the twinkling of an eye. All I've had time to do since arriving is court a few perspective wives, drinketh of some wine, and eat a big plate of beef.
I see a lot has been going on down on earth though. Survivor was good, wasn't it?
The pope is likely to be die soon - do you forsee any problems getting along with his holiness?
Well, it happens. Every few years we get someone coming in here who might have a few theological differences with me. Popes, Cardinals, Paula Yates and so on. But the afterlife is big enough for all of us.
The worst thing is if I run into someone who's got it in for me just because I had them beheaded or something. I keep telling them: 'Look, if I hadn't had you beheaded, you wouldn't have come here' but do they listen?
Now your biggest regret in life was that you were not survived by a male heir - has the Lord offered you any explanation why?
Biggest regret? No, my biggest regret was that time I rode naked around Hampton Court after eating too much game. But, yeah, not having one son surviving from six wives? What were the odds of that?
God explained a little bit about it - high infant mortality rates were just an early form of natural contraception, you see, and I kind of accept that. What is wierd though, is having to meet the spirits of all these still-born foetuses and cot-death baby sons that I sired. Man, they have a whole different take on the situation.
Is that ulcerated leg of yours still giving you grief after all this time?
Technically no, because I and my limbs are now essentially spiritual entities, with no physical form. Having said that, I do feel a twinge of pain from time to time, now that you mention it, but it's probably just my imagination.
The 21st century youths don't know they're born. When have you had to cope with a rotting, festering leg, life expectancy of 40, and a lifelong battle to free your country from the autoratic rule of the Roman church?
And I really wanted to see Bridget win it, that would've been cool.
