Arrowed be thy Name

Ben Nunn
Phil Taylor Taylor: Losing Champion

World Champion Dartist Phil 'Philthy Animal' Taylor has set a new darts record at the WDC World Darts Championship this week.

Taylor, in his epic semi-final against 'Fat Viking' Andy Fordham, scored the highest ever single score with three darts - his score of 182 beating the previous record of 180 which for the last 17 years had been often equalled, but never bettered.

Despite his big score, Taylor went on to lose the match and several pints of sweat as his morbidly obese opponent won by 115 overs for 18 to 14 in four and a half try.

O'Leary Heary Beery Jeery Queerie, Deery Feary, Seery Query

Simon Thomas

Celtic FC manager David O'Leary is considering his future, following salacious revalations about his personal life.

Internet rumours suggest that O'Leary is an abusive alcoholic homosexual, who has a phobia of stags, and has supernatural insight.

One step ahead

Ben Nunn

British 100 metre hopeful Dwain Chambers has been suspended from international competition after acquiring a third leg.

The surgically-attached hyperlimb is expected to improve Chambers performance by a whopping 30%, which would mean times sub of 8 seconds on the track. However, the Athletics governing body, FIFA have confirmed that such performance-enhancing surgery is expressly forbidden under current rules.

Chambers faces a lengthy ban unless he can substantiate his alibi that he needed the extra leg to further his evening job as a naked Rolf Harris impersonator.

A Boot Point

Simon Thomas

Manchester Utd manager Sir Alex Ferguson has claimed that he would like Middlesbrough defender Gareth Southgate to fill Rio Ferdinand's boots when the beleagurised England star faces his upcoming eight year drugs ban.

'I'm not interested in signing him', Ferguson explained, 'I'd just like to see him drop a big steaming turd in Rio's boots when he's not looking. That would be funny.'