Army of the Dead

The Labour Party's landslide General Election victories in 1997 and 2001 have been cast into a big pit of disrepute, after revelations from an anonymous internal source revealed the revelation that hundreds of thousands of corpses were brought back to life, in order to vote for them.

Since 1992, deaths of Labour supporters have gone unreported, and their names retained on the electoral role as part of the controversial 'Project Lazarus'. On the eve of the Election, a group of Witch Doctors and Wizards were gathered at Millbank, at the command of Tony Blair to perform re-animation spells and incantations.

After a few initial teething problems, when floating voters changed allegience after being exhumed, the curses and magick began to work effectively, and in this year's Election, the Zombie voters boosted the Labour vote by as much as 10% in some marginal seats.

Mowlam: Grave concerns

Perhaps the bitterest irony came in Dorset South where a large group of walking skeletons were actually mistaken for elderly Tory voters. The local Conservative Association, convinced that they had already 'got their vote out' decided against a late canvass of Old People's homes - and the seat was lost to Labour.

Mo Mowlam, who stood down as MP for Redcar at the last election spoke of her unease at the situation. 'I had grave concerns over Mr. Blair's plans' said the former Labour Minister, 'and felt I was unable to fully commit to the party at this level any longer'.

Dark Forces

However, MP Vernon Coaker sees the tactics as 'a positive step forward' that will 'ensure continuous Labour government well into the 21st century'. The member for Gedling pointed out that 'If we can harness the dark forces naturally lurking within us to resurrect deceased Labour voters, it should be feasible to bring back Tony Blair immediately after his eventual death. He will be Prime Minister for all eternity!'

Meanwhile the shadow Health Secretary and Conservative MP for Woodspring, Dr. Liam Fox described the operation as 'evil', adding that 'if the Labour party have to resort to witchcraft and Magick in order to win elections, who knows what they'll try and get away with when it comes to public spending?'

History being rewritten yesterday

But the Tories are set to hit back with a new scheme to combat persistent Labour voters. In a secret laboratory at Gothic House, Wandsworth, Tory scientists are working on a powerful chemical formula, described only as 'the solution'.

Wool

Not only will one drop turn a Labour supporter into a dyed-in-the-wool Tory, but it will also retroactively change any votes cast in previous elections. Tory benefactor Paul Sykes has admitted funding the scheme, but has now had second thoughts, after early tests in a council by-election produced 'dangerously successful' results.

'This is a powerful weapon, make no mistake' said Mr. Sykes, 'Used on a large scale, the potential exists to rewrite history. Oh for the days when we could earn the right to form administrations purely through responsible campaigning', he sighed sagely. Clearly the lines for the battleground for the next general elections have been drawn. In blood.

Not to be outdone, the LibDems have announced radical plans to win over voters from both Labour and the Tories, by putting an extra penny on income tax.