Speakers Cornered

The country's most respected raconteurs have come under fire from all quarters, following the latest EU directive on after dinner speeches.

The £3 billion campaign aimed at harmonising the pithiness of anecdotes across all member states got underway in March, and Britain's cummerbunded conversants have been told to their dismay that their reparte is neither witty nor acerbic enough to qualify as 'pithy' by current European standards.

Ustinov: Speaks after dinners like this one

After-dinner speakers such as Sir Peter Ustinov and Giles Brandreth are generally still considered 'pithy' and 'acerbic' by British standards, but when faced with a continental audience, the reactions are seldom not unfavourable.

Chairs

However when irascible French raconteur Jerome Dupont recently delivered a three minute anecdote to a mixed audience at the Wig and Pen Club, the acerbicity was judged by the audience to have been so great - even after translation - that two elderly members fell from their chairs in peals of laughter.

The British after-dinner audience were clearly rediscovering just what they had been missing in recent years and remained stony-faced as Ustinov proceded to regale the company with a tall tale about the time he met Dame Peggy Mount during a spell in hospital. The few polite chuckles that could be heard may have been an aftermath of the previous effort from the hilarious Frenchman.

Dupont, known in his homeland as les maître de la mouth - the master of the mouth - had some words of advice for the British Raconteur. Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the National Union of Raconteurs said that they accepted the principal that anecdotes weren't as pithy as in the heyday of the 1980s. But allegations that anecdotes from mainland Europe boast an average pith content of up to 15% more than those delivered in the UK were dismissed as 'figures made up out of thin air'.

Statistics - on a graph

In 2000 the level of quality on the UK after-dinner circuit was so poor that the top ten most in-demand raconteurs included Tabloid Astronomer Russell Grant, and Moor's murderer Fred West.

Regularly Weave

"We, as proud British raconteurs have got to face up to the fact that - in real terms - we're not as pithy as we once were" said writer and statesman Will Self, "Anecdotes that were once considered 'acerbic' are 'droll' at best these days. We must learn from our neighbours on the continent who can regularly weave stories that are not only pithy and acerbic, but just a little salty as well."

A number of otherwise retired famous people do continue to make a healthy living on the after-dinner circuit in this country, but such days' days could well be numbered as disillusioned diners make frequent trips across the channel to hear pithier anecdotes.