Wood for Windows

Computer hardware giant Microsoft have paved the way for a new era in marketing and management strategy with the proposed recruitment of around 1,000 'fluffers' across the globe.

Gates: Successful

Every MS location will have at least one trained fluffer among the workforce, in an attempt to boost faltering self-confidence among busy salespeople and executives.

CEO Bill Gates, one of the worlds most successful men, explained the reasoning at a press conference this week:

'At some or we have all had aspirations to be more self-confident in meetings and sales pitches - the kind of confidence that only comes with a big bulge comfortably tucked away in one's trousers.'

Notice The

'Fear of failure in this, or any other business, can all be put down to a repressed fear of impotence. Next time, when you walk into the boardroom, and you've got wood, you'll notice the difference' he continued, 'If it works in the porn industry, it will work for Microsoft.'

Microsoft's UK employees working at the campus in Reading have already had the benefits of 'beta fluffing' for the last month, courtesy of former page three star Louise Hodges, and staff gave the scheme a massive thumbs up - or rather a 'cock's up' - describing it as 'the best pilot scheme ever'.

A Fluffer at work

The role the fluffer plays on the set of hardcore porn films has long been an important one, masturbating or fellating the male stars to semi or full erection as required in between takes.

Harness

But Microsoft will be the first mainstream blue-chip player to harness the motivational power of sexual arousal in the wider business community and while there are many who will question Mr. Gates' latest wisdom, he is a man who rarely makes bad decisions.

With most of the IT sector in recession Microsoft have enjoyed a reasonable successful year, winning the anti-trust hearing brought against them by the late Gangsta Rapper Tupac Shakur.

And in October, they scored a massive PR coup in the War of the Operating Systems, when Linux brainfather Linus Torvalds was seen at the Windows XP launch partying down and declaring it 'the best damn OS I've ever used, man.'