Hell Freezes Over

Philosophers and theologians alike were forced to question their innermost beliefs this week, when five of the seven circles of hell froze over, fulfilling for many an ancient prophecy never meant to happen.

Artists Impression

But the Hadean refrigeration was simply a publicity stunt by the organisers of the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, in association with the principle sponsors Coca-Cola.

Residents of the largely Mormon City were said to be filled with terror when the freezing of the circles of hell began early on Sunday morning, but began to relax after The Plutonian underworld rearranged itself into the distinctive 'linked rings' logo of the Olympic Committee before melting back to normality.

Impressed

The devil incarnate and his heinous minions are less than impressed though: 'I wish the organisers had told me about it in advance' said an angry Satan, 'I give millions of dollars to Coca-Cola every year, and should have been in on any sponsorship deal involving my hell.'

'We lost nearly two hours of eternal torment time, and it took simply ages to re-heat the rivers of fire. And for what? So a few more people can know about the Slovenia team winning a bronze in the Luge.'

Luge: Not a proper sport

'And curling. What's that all about?' he added.

Over Opens

But for many mere mortals, hell freezing over opens up a treasure-chest of unexpected opportunities:

'I've been waiting for this day for years' said London penioner Bill Smith, fondly recalling an offer of fellatio from his college days, 'I just hope that Mary is still alive to keep her side of the deal'.

And at a school in Durham, a twelve-year-old boy has been appointed headmaster, after a promise from his predecessor that they could swap places when hell froze over.

The last time hell officially froze over was in 1758 when all seven levels of the final resting place of the damned sustained a light ground frost during the Crimean war.