Melton Mow-Pray

Christian 'pilgrims' are flocking to a bedsit in Leicester where the face of Jesus Christ has apparantly appeared in the meat of a Pork Pie.

The 'Miracle' Pie

Unemployed actor Barry Coal, 35, has been charging visitors £5 a time to visit the 'shrine' in his kitchen area, and the miraculous theological attraction has thus far proved popular.

Coal first noticed the eerie image of Our Lord when cutting himself a wedge of the family-sized Melton Mowbray pie at tea-time on Saturday, and immediately phoned the minister of a local Baptist Church to inform him of the 'miracle'.

Understand

'I couldn't understand what he was saying at first' said the Reverend Paul Vernon, 'so I thought I'd better pop round to see what he was so excited about.'

'It's very fashionable for people today to dismiss the concept of miracles, but I saw, with my own eyes, the face of Christ, fashioned in porcine gristle and gelatin. Let it never be said that the Lord doesn't work in mysterious ways, for he has blessed this man's pie. This holy, sacred pie.'

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And far from condemning the hefty admission fee, the Reverend has signalled his approval:

'Barry shouldn't feel guilty that God has blessed him. Nor should he feel guilty about charging the public to know that God has blessed him. A fiver to look upon the Son of God? I'd say that's pretty reasonable. A small price to pay for affirmation of your faith in the Lord.'

Throughout August, Coal will be conducting guided tours of the Gunton Pie Factory in Market Harborough where the pie was produced, and the Bupinda Grocery where it was purchased - both priced at £6.50, although a supersaver ticket will be available, whereby people can view the pie, and tour both the factory and the shop for £15.

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Religion

However, mainstream society will likely take a far more cynicalist view of the procedings, with church attendance at an all time low, and a general feeling among the public that religion has chucked its muck.

'Society simply has to grow up, and stop using religion as a crutch', respected Historian and Atheist Dr. David Starkey told us, 'The majority of these so called 'miracles' are made-up bogus hoaxes, which means that they are not really real'.

'In Italy, there have been reports of statues of the Virgin Mary pissing and shitting blood, while all over the world alleged verses from the Dead Sea Scrolls and Qu'ran are appearing in wallpaper patterns, and actor George Lazenby's hair. Now we've supposedly got Jesus of Nazareth staring out at us from a pie. Enough is enough! It's got to stop.'

'I mean that face could be anyone. It could be Roy Wood or Bob Hoskins. When will the madness end?'